Oh, Apple Guy…

Sigh… Why does my simple weekly trip to the farmer’s market now have to be fraught with longing and erotic intrigue? Well, I suppose it’s mainly due to the fact that I am insane – but be that as it may, the sexy apple guy with the sexy mustache and the twinkling eyes winked – yes, WINKED! – at me yesterdayat the close of our transaction (I bought my usual work-week supply of five apples). OMGWTF?

And this was after last week’s instruction to “enjoy the beautiful day” upon the conclusion of my purchase. Why, Apple Guy, why must you torture me with your kind words and winking? And what is your deal? Are you just a nice friendly apple guy who loves sharing your apples and your good nature with all and sundry? Or are you discreetly trying to express the depth of the love you feel for me? And do you live on a farm, tending to your apple orchard, picking them at their juicy peak, all while wishing you had someone to share it all with – and by “someone,” I mean “a dude”?  Or are you a hard-working citified fruit vendor, up at the crack of dawn to bring the freshest apples to all of the urban drones desperate for the finest produce, all while wishing you had someone to share your life with – preferably a dude in his 40’s with tattoos, a receding hairline and a penchant for hyperbole? And why must you be so hot?  And so very good at winking?

At any rate, if someone could do some legwork and find out what team he’s playing for, I’d be much obliged. I’m doing my part to signal my affiliation by purchasing Pink Lady apples exclusively… Too bad he doesn’t sell other produce – I could just show up and buy two apples and a banana every couple of days – because, you know, I’m subtle like that…

3 thoughts on “Oh, Apple Guy…

  1. I do love a good Pink Lady, and if I lived local I could certainly identify this gentlemans preference for you. But alas, you may simply have to ask him yourself, “Yo! Apple dude! Hows dem applessssss?”

  2. what? is your gaydar out of commission from being married for so many years? maybe you should wink back. he will either punch you or ask you out-go for it.

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