Honolulu Bound

So, I’m somewhere over the Pacific, still closer to SF than Honolulu. But so far, so good… Flight was on time and sparsely populated – sufficiently so that I was able change my seat to an exit row, which I have all to myself… Doesn’t get much better than that, does it? Well, when one is relegated to coach, that is…

Of course, one has to take the good with the bad… For example, there is no Wifi connection on board. I know! This must’ve been what it was like coming over on the Mayflower… I wonder how the pilgrims were able to go that long without checking Facebook? Though I guess they’ve always had a reputation for being austere…

Far worse though is that there is some young queen and his BFF girlfriend immediately behind me… Right now, we’re about 90 minutes into the flight (since boarding) and they have not stopped talking for even the merest of nanoseconds. “Oh my God. Seriously? I totally just told Jason the same thing… Did I tell about these cute shorts I just bought? Oh my God! They are so totally cute – seriously. Anyway, oh my God – what time is our flight back on Tuesday? I’m totally using my mileage. Seriously, you can totally get a free ticket with, like, 10,000 miles – seriously! I’m totally doing that… Oh yeah, that like totally includes international flights. Oh my God – look over there at that bright shiny object! It’s totally cute! Seriously! Wait, what was I saying? Oh my God! I think my brain just flew out of my ear! Ugh, how totally embarrassing… Oh my God, did I tell you about these cute shorts I bought?”

In other words, they haven’t actually been conversing – they’ve basically just been shouting the same five words at each other for 90 minutes – and will presumably continue to do so until well after we’ve arrived in Honolulu.

Needless to say, I’ve never been so happy to hear the “you may now use your electronic devices” announcement. Between my tight-fitting earphones and the upping the volume on my iPod, I’ve manage to isolate myself aurally from the assault I’ve been enduring since boarding… Though every time there’s a pause between songs, I can still hear them talking at each other… Why is it always those with the least to say that do the most talking?

Oh, and the feet poking through the seats was super…  Just what I was hoping to see next to me…

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Jesus, are we there yet? I think I’ve been in the air for about five hours… I think the four-to-six hour flights are the worst… Shorter ones are over pretty quickly… And when faced with a long-haul overseas flight of eight or more hours, you’re just resigned to the experience…

Anyhow, a couple of observations on flying:

• American Airlines, do you think maybe you could give the cabins a little updating? The torn window coverings don’t exactly inspire confidence… Plus, the lack of in-seat video monitors means everybody’s forced to watch the same movie at the same time – leading to me having to listen to a Greek chorus of buffoonish guffaws as my fellow passengers laugh their asses off at the depressingly predictable humor of the whatever lame rom-com your screening… All I want to do is read my book in peace…
• Also, American, could you please be sure that every flight is staffed with at least one cute gay male FA who’ll flirt with me? And, nice though he may be, an older, rather-homespun gentleman with braces and an ill-fitting uniform does not count…
• I realize that the cabin air is quite arid, fellow passengers… But if you’re going to slather your hands and legs with lotion, could you steer clear of the synthetic-strawberry-mango-jubilee you picked up at Bath and Body Works? It’s making the rest of us gag and sneeze…
• If you are a passenger aboard a commercial airliner and find yourself seated within earshot of me, please shut the fuck up.

Well, time to wrap up… I think I just felt that delightful change in engine speed and cabin pressure that denotes that we’ve started our descent… Aloha, mofos…