Can’t. Stop. Watching.

Every time I think I’ve seen the best animated GIF in the history of the intertubes, another one comes along and puts all the others to shame… Rebecca Black may indeed be a scourge in the worlds of both music and video, but at least we have this…

There oughta be a law…

Was at the Y tonight after work. Nothing out of the ordinary – just the usual assortment of freaks and jackasses. My particular peeve tonight was the jerks who  monopolize one of the few weight benches by laying their towel, dumbbells, iPhone (natch), etc. on it, but then just stand next to it kibitzing with some other d’bag rather than actually lifting any weights…

Anyway, pretty much par for the course – it barely elicited a muttered string of obscenities from me… Little did I know, the true outrage and horror was yet to come.

So, I’m in the locker-room (I know – gross) after taking a shower, minding my own business. Then, as I was dressing, I glanced to my right – and at the end of the row of lockers is a huge mirror in which I can see reflected my completely undraped head-to-toe profile. Jesus Christ! Who wants to look at that? I did manage to stifle my screams, but just barely…

It was pretty much like this - only not as attractive or muscular.

Honestly, wouldn’t you think that anyone in charge of designing a locker-room would ensure that one only encounters mirrors when one seeks them out, rather than being unpleasantly surprised by being forced to view the monstrous results of 29 years (ahem) of hard living and gravity? Oy…

Anyway, I’m part way through a box of wine in an attempt to erase that image from my mind. So far it’s not working…

Where am I?

I innocently walked into the Walgreens around the corner from my office – my office which is located in San Francisco, California, to the west of the Rockies.

But, like in an episode of the Twilight Zone, I’d apparently walked through some portal into another dimension. This is clearly evidenced by the availability of this product:

What? The? Fuck? I have no idea how that jar of Hellmann’s managed to make it all the way here – presumably after escaping from a Shop-Rite in Queens. I can just see the jar, hopping a west-bound train, hobo-style.

Interesting fact: Best Foods brand mayonnaise is only sold in the western U.S. All other countries are branded “Hellmann’s” – which in Argentina includes Hellmann’s Mayonesa Doblemente Batida (“extra batter style” – sounds, um, battery?) and Salsa Golf (mayonnaise with tomato paste) – and something I wish were offered in this country simply so I could ask “Could I have some Salsa Golf?” when dining out.

Let them eat lightbulbs!

Today’s article in the NYTimes re. General Electric’s legal tax evasion is, for lack of a better word, vomitous. The company paid zero taxes while their profits – profits! – in the U.S. alone were over $5 billion.

Time and time again, I am completely outraged (to coin a phrase) that most people and businesses in the U.S. now equate paying any taxes as both literally and morally equivalent to being robbed at gunpoint. No longer is there any concern for the common good or any acknowledgement of government’s role in promoting that good – it’s every man for himself. And once I’ve got mine, fuck all the rest of you! You deserve what you get (or, more likely, don’t get) – you probably weren’t praying hard enough to the correct god.

When does the revolution start? I’ve got my pitchfork ready.

The only bright note about this story? The best comment of the day from  FrenchTwist40 at Wonkette:

I’m knitting their names into my scarf right now…

And, now, I’m off to organize the Comité de salut public… Let the Reign of Terror begin!

R.I.P. Elizabeth Taylor

Despite a lifelong history of various health problems and medical issues, there was something seemingly indestructible about Miss Taylor. The news of her death this morning was really shocking.

Her beauty, which was almost other-worldly in its perfection, along with a personal life that can modestly be described as tempestuous, often overshadowed the fact that she was a supremely talented actress.

But in this really excellent obituary in the NYTimes, there is one short sentence that reminds us of one her greatest legacies:

She helped raise more than $100 million to fight AIDS.

In the early 1980s, when little was known about the disease and few outside of the gay community were willing to even discuss it, she became the public face of the search for a cure and a co-founder of AMFAR.

Elizabeth Taylor – a true star, whose like we shan’t see again. The loss is ours.


I’m a star!

OK, maybe just a briefly-featured extra, but still!

My company, CREDO, uses Sprint’s network for handling our wireless traffic. So Sprint stopped by recently to make a promo touting the success of one of their wholesale customers – namely CREDO. My friend, Kenneth, and I were asked to handle some phones and paper work while being filmed, doing our best “busy work ladies” impression. And it paid off! There’s a quick shot of us at around the 0:04 mark and then a longer shot at 2:12.

See the video here. It actually gives a good overview of what our company does, as a phone company and as political activists.

Anyway, gotta run – time to get my SAG card!

Helping Japan

NYTimes had an article today about the many foreigners living in Japan who are trying to leave the country – a perfectly understandable response, given the still-unfolding emergency there.

However this was my favorite part of the article:

But not all foreigners were fleeing. One Briton said he was not about to leave.

Michael Tonge, a schoolteacher in Sendai, the closest major city to the quake’s epicenter, said that many of the expatriates in his area were “forming groups using things like Facebook to try to get aid and help to the people who need it.”

“Sendai has been my home for over five years,” Mr. Tonge said, “and the people of this area have taken me in and made me feel very welcome. I can’t leave them now, after this. I think that’s how a lot of the foreigners here feel, too.”

Well done, Mr. Tonge. I salute you.

Closer to home, my friend Steve, who owns Public Barber Salon, is sponsoring a fundraiser for Japan on April 2. Check it out and stop by if you can. Or make a donation here.

Strike a Pose

Kobi Levi presents: The Blond Ambition Shoe. I am in awe – and wondering if they come in a size 13…

Also, Miao. Redefining “kitten heels.” Purrr-fection. Me-ow!

Be sure to check out all of his designs.

Kobi Levi via The Hairpin

Two Dogs Rescued in Japan

I always feel a certain reluctance to share videos like this. I worry it seems as though I’m overlooking or discounting the vast human suffering currently going on in Japan.

But when I examine my own feelings about what’s going on here, I think what evokes the pathos is not simply the “awww” factor of one animal looking out for another. Our relationship with companion animals is simple and uncomplicated – and because of this, it can evoke the best part of our own humanity. I think it can also give us something to aspire to – remaining loyal to others even in the face of great hardship. I’m sure there are countless people in Japan who have done and continue to do exactly that.

From what I’ve read, both dogs were rescued subsequent to this video being taken and are in shelters.

And please donate what you can to Doctors Without Borders. They’re at work in Japan and throughout the world, providing urgently needed care and supplies to victims of natural disasters and wars.

Thinking of Japan

I shouldn’t be watching the news – but not watching seems like I’m sticking my head in the sand. What to do? Of course I’ll donate more money – but it feels so inadequate. I wish there were a solution…

I’m sure most of you have already been able to put a human face on the suffering that the Japanese people are experiencing. I’ve been lucky enough to visit Japan twice – and its people and its culture affected me in a way no other country has. It was, for me, the most amazing of all my travels thus far. I found an absolutely beautiful and fascinating country and a people who were kind and engaging.  Which has made watching this disaster all the more difficult for me…

One day in Osaka, I went to visit the castle, right in the center of the city. As I arrived, there were small groups of elementary school children roaming the park in front, all looking for Westerners with whom they could practice their English. I was lucky enough to be approached (OK, they actually chased me down – it made me feel like I was famous!) The kids were both shy and gregarious – and after quizzing me in English about various facets of Japanese culture, I was presented by each group with a handful of origami cranes and kites they’d made, along with a postcard thanking me for helping them with their studies. Needless to say, they remain my most cherished mementos of my visit.

Please give what you can to JSNC Japan Earthquake and Tsunami Relief Fund.

Going Up! My Blood Pressure, That Is

Not to go all Jerry Seinfeld, but what’s the deal with entering and exiting elevators these days? When the elevator arrives, one stands to either side of the door to allow passengers alighting from the car to exit quickly and without impediment. Isn’t this both a rule and the most basic common sense?

Why then do I constantly have to push my way past some jackass standing in the door and blocking my egress from the car? I mean, I’m the first to admit that I sometimes become overly-engrossed in reading something on my PDA or lost in some reverie related to lying on a tropical beach and/or smiting my enemies – and that this can result in my inadvertently blocking the doors of the elevator. But I immediately mutter “pardon me” and get the fuck out of the way. I don’t stand there slack-jawed and cow-eyed, still as a statue, thus forcing the disembarking passengers to squeeze past my inert and blobby self. And I certainly don’t just push my way onto the elevator before others have exited.

Yet I experience these behaviors from others multiple times every day at my office! Seriously. The doors open, and some blivet has planted him or herself squarely in the center of the exit, immobile and staring blankly into some indeterminate point on the horizon. I really don’t understand it. And the really sad part is that elevators are the only option for moving between floors – there are no accessible stairs between floors.

Also, I am eagerly awaiting the day when Otis decides to replace those cushy rubber bumpers on the doors with giant razor blades. Maybe then people would think twice before thrusting their hand into the nearly-closed doors of a crowded elevator, just so they can save themselves the 10 to 15 seconds they would’ve had to wait for another elevator to arrive.

Ugh. Fuckers.

Carpet of Broken Dreams

Making it in Hollywood, even in the most obscure or tangential way, is a feat to be admired, if only as a tribute to an actor’s determination and perseverance. It’s a town filled with thousands upon thousands of aspiring actors and entertainers, many of whom will do anything to get ahead, yet few manage to get even the most tenuous of footholds.

So, even being cast in a commercial for a household appliance is nothing to smirk at. Yet I can’t help but wonder: when this lady was first treading the boards; when she was first cast in the role of Ophelia as a sophomore in college; when her dream of one day conquering Tinseltown took hold… did she think that her big break would be announcing to the world, “Sometimes I need to deep clean my carpet right away!”? And following it up by associating said need for a thorough rug-cleansing by an unexpected visit from mom isn’t really helping matters…

Ancient Chinese Secret!

You know, I have always wondered why it’s so hard to tell how old most Oriental women are! Though I have to say, I was quite disappointed that there wasn’t a “GONG!” somewhere in this sales pitch, to really drive home the stereotypes authenticity of this fine product, made from genuine precious pearls pulverized into a lustrous powder.


Of course, I’d be remiss if I didn’t include “Grant Ave.” from Flower Drum Song – which shuffled onto my iPod the other day and was what got me thinking about Nancy Kwan in the first place. I honestly love, love, love this number! Though do you think those two ancestors had to sit in those chairs facing away from the cameras for the whole routine?

“Ask An Abortion Provider”

I don’t have anything to add here. The Hairpin has this amazing piece from a nurse practitioner who is training to provide abortions. Please take the time to read it and share it.

Ask an Abortion Provider


Another hilarious mystery…

Believe it or not, I’m not a complete dumb shit. In fact, I actually have some vague understanding of how predictive text entry works on my Android. But this one is completely out of left field. I can assure all and sundry with 100% accuracy that I have never, ever used the suggested word in any type of communication originating from my EVO. And even if I had (which I have not), I would totally have replaced the “g” at the end with an apostrophe.