SFO-JFK Live Blog

I’ve been IM’ing my trials and tribulations as I fly cross-country to my friend Emily. She suggested I live-blog the horror. So here goes!

3:35 – Turbulence. Whee!!

3:37 – The jerk sitting next to me has been sticking his elbow into my space since we took off. I hate him.

3:38 – He is drinking a Diet Coke, while noisily slurping, smacking his lips and saying, “Ahhhh…” after each sip. I shit you not.

3:42 – Man across aisle from appears to be suffering from tuberculosis. Also enjoys hawking up things.

3:43 – More turbulence. Double whee!!

3:43 – A.H. next to me working on Powerpoint presentation. The graphics are both stunning and informative.

4:01 – Some really crazy turbulence AND the wi-fi went out. I guess this is what it was like on the Mayflower.

4:02 – My friend has spent the last ten minutes adjusting the font size up and down repeated on one of his slides; there are three lines of text with bullets. I am rapt.

4:04 – He is chortling audibly at the in-flight movie, The Dilemma. And why not? Vince Vaughn and Kevin James are HILARIOUS!

4:23 – Another interruption in wi-fi! This is an outrage – esp since I lost an update!

4:25 – Seatbelt sign illuminated due to turbulence. But I have to pee – bad!

4:27 – Guy with TB now sneezing all over the place, along with snorting and hawking. I assume I’ll be dead within a week.

4:28 – And we’ve got baby crying! Actually, not too bad…  Sort of a wailing/moaning/whining. Much better than my last trip SFO-JFK, when the 7-year-old across from me had a hysteria-tinged tantrum. His 10-year-old brother was given a pacifier by one of his parents, so I suspect those kids are going to have a tough row to hoe…

4:32 – Wow – mom of crying baby is losing it. She yelled at the kid (I think he’s maybe 18 months?) and threw him at the dad. Then mom got loud and defensive with the dad when he tried to get her to chill out…  I hope the stews have some handcuffs on board.

4:38 – Well, seatbelt sign off, but a veritable stampede to the lavs. Lucky for all I was able to wait it out…

4:39 – Jackass next to me couldn’t find the electrical outlet on his side, so I had to give up mine. What a fuckin’ liberty! And you can rest assured, once my battery is at 60%, I’m taking it back… Too bad you weren’t such a douche about the armrest, dude, or I’d be nicer…

4:50 – Continued turbulence and another wi-fi outage. This must be what it was like for the Donner Party.

4:52 – Guy in front of me waiting for lav is not wearing shoes. Yes, he is going to stand on the floor of that john in socks only. I feel like I need to wash with lye soap just imagining such a thing.

4:56 – EXTREMELY IMPORTANT REMINDER!! I am highly proficient at multi-tasking. This is how I’m able to both live blog and perform my job functions simultaneously. Also, Citrix is painfully slow, so I gotta do something to keep me occupied.

5:00 – It’s wine o’clock! Maybe not though…  Still two hours of flying left. Could be asking for trouble.

5:04 – I’m happy to inform all that the FAs on this flight are uniformly polite and helpful. This has been my experience my last few flights on United and is a far cry from the embittered and cranky stews that used to be the specialty of every UAL domestic flight.

5:07 – Uh-oh. Baby crying again. Please don’t let the mom flip out…

5:10 – Seriously, how is Kevin James an actor/movie star? His performance in this movie is excruciating even without sound. And how can anyone focus on anything other than his bizarre, extremely-fake, hair-transplant-induced hairline?

5:14 – Hey older hippie lady, thanks for wearing the bare midriff top.

5:16 – Wow, that was fast. I’ve already contracted SARS from Cough-a-rella across the aisle.

5:18 – WTF? The line for the lav just extended all the way up through coach. I am being bombarded by buttocks – and not in the good way.

5:21 – What are you looking at, you great ponce?

5:22 – My hands are so dry, I can write the word “dry” right on them.

5:23 – MSNBC is showing now. I don’t have audio on, but it appears to be some type of in-depth report about adult acne and self-tanning. Or so it would seem based upon the interviewees appearance.

5:35 – OK, this next report they’re showing on MSNBC is about either Mark Zuckerberg or Jesse Eisenberg. I can’t tell, since they appear to be using them interchangeably.

5;47 – I’m at the point of the flight when I realize that my mouth tastes like ass and that my hippie crystal deodorant is perhaps not quite as effective as I’ve led myself to believe.

5:53 – OK, I’m ready to land. What do you say you put the pedal to the metal, Captain?

9:00 – Switching to EDT!

9:01 – Flying over the Great Lakes. They don’t seem that great to me, but I’ve never really been a lake person.

9:03 – Now THAT was some turbulence. But the cart is still in the aisle and drinks are being served. That’s comforting, I guess?

9:19 – Another wi-fi outage. I guess this is what it was like on the Pequod.

9:21 – I finally decided to take my cans off and let my ears get a bit of air. And that’s when my two aisle-mates decided to exchange boring life stories. “You know my dad is from Ireland…” How fascinating!  ZZZZZ…

9:22 – Elbow encroachment seems to be worsening.

9:44 – OK, that’s it! Should be on the ground in half-an-hour. Thank Zeus.