Proving once again that good things do not come in small packages, I received a mysterious little parcel at my office today. “Hmm…,” I said to myself, “I don’t remember ordering anything online recently.” What could it be? I did observe that the delivery was from Harriet Carter, purveyor of high-quality and completely-practical goods and apparel – much like Lillian Vernon, Fingerhut and International Male.
I opened the package with only mild trepidation. I mean, it was the size of a deck of playing cards, only thinner. It couldn’t be that bad – could it? Of course, had I realized then that it was from my sister Andrea, I’d’ve known to prepare for the worst.
Yes, that’s right. “Easy-Fit Waistband.” In other words, button-on waist extenders for when one is too fat to fasten one’s jeans. OK, not “one’s jeans” – my jeans. Like this.
My sister is a treasure. I’ll be looking forward to my birthday at the end of the summer. Presumably the Lark Mobility Scooter is already on its way!
Needless to say, I do plan to run a couple of experiments with these when I arrive home – purely for scientific purposes, obviously. Though I’m already having nightmare visions of once – just once! – taking these out for a spin in public on a night when I finally have the opportunity to be “intimate” with an object of my affection, only to be immediately (and justifiably!) spurned when my shameful secret is revealed. Eh, not bloody likely, given that no one – literally not one person on earth – is interested in unbuttoning my pants.
It's a Complete Outrage 
We can probably do a Kickstarter to get you a Hoveround–for you active lifestyle!
Oh, Dan – you are a delight.
I was so flattered to see this incorporated into your latest post. Surely, I will accomplish nothing greater in my lifetime.
I can hardly fathom the depths of your starvation for entertainment that you’re forced to read my posts on a semi-regular basis. And stop calling me Shirley.