Notes on Swine Flu


  • It is highly unpleasant. I don’t recommend it.
  • I did not actually contract it through close contact with swine. I haven’t spent any time with swine in more than three years.
  • People think it’s hilarious to make oinking sounds, pig calls and other porcine references to you while you suffer. They are incorrect.
  • It was not accompanied, in my case, by any symptoms such as vomiting, nausea or anorexia – which is good, insofar as those are horrible symptoms. Though it does mean a lack of fashionable thinness upon recovery.
  • The application of warm feline compresses to the body seems to improve feelings of well-being.
  • If you have any Percocet lying around the house from recent oral surgery, this relieves pain much better than ibuprofen or aspirin. Or so I’ve heard.
  • When the cold, clammy embrace of death begins to seem like an appealing alternative to lying motionless and moaning in bed in the dark at 4AM, it may be time to visit the emergency room.
  • Going to the emergency room isn’t much fun.
  • Especially by yourself.
  • That being said, the nursing staff at Davies were super and took really great care of me.
  • And I was still better off than the young gay who’d apparently been overserved the previous evening and was “sleeping” on a gurney, clutching an emesis bag and missing a shoe.
  • Hypoxia may sound glamorous, but really, it’s not.
  • Those IVs will make you pee a lot.
  • No, those weirdos sitting next to you at Walgreens while you wait for your prescription are not going to shut up.
  • Tamiflu can give you the shits. Or so I hear. From a friend.
  • Lunch time naps are a critical component of recovery. Same goes for post-afternoon-reruns-of-Judge-Judy naps.
  • Daytime TV commercials are comprised exclusively of personal injury law firms portraying law suits as a reasonable and guaranteed path to personal wealth; trade schools and universities that specialize in wringing every available cent of financial aid out of students, leaving them in debt and with questionably marketable skills and certification; and walk-in bathtubs for the infirm.
  • The commercials are still better than the shows, which are simultaneously horrifying and banal and can’t even be enjoyed ironically. I suspect they are sponsored by the nation’s employers to encourage their sick employees to return to work as quickly as possible, if only to avoid being aware that both Trisha Goddard and Steve Wilkos have shows on the air.
  • All 14 seasons of Law & Order: SVU are available on Hulu+. THANK ZEUS. But for some reason, no Law & Order (OG) which is kind of a fucking outrage, since sometimes those SVU detectives get a little too personally involved in their cases  – something that the police, who investigate crime and the district attorneys, who prosecute the offenders, on L&O seldom do and always with less eye-roll-inducing sensitivity and self-righteousness.
  • If you plug that extra charger into the extension cord behind the sofa, you can charge your phone without having to get up and walk the two feet to the desk where the other charger is plugged in.
  • You’ll probably survive. Probably.

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