Well, at least I’m hilarious

What a day! The weather was hideous – rainy and muggy and apparently the wettest June 28th in SF history. I had a giant burrito for lunch from my building’s cafeteria which, though delicious, both distended my belly and gave me heartburn. I realized, just as I was walking into the Y (for cardio to counteract the effects of the aforementioned burrito), that I had not received a bunch of data from a colleague that was due to me today – thus necessitating a return to the office to prod, since I actually have to process said-data before tomorrow.

Luckily, though, I can complete the work from home – and it was a good excuse to skip the Y (though of course due to the missed workout I have now crossed from “obese” to “morbidly obese”). So I headed home, with a quick pit stop at the Ferry Plaza Wine Merchant to pick up dinner something to accompany dinner. I have to say, I’ve never been a fan of this particular establishment – I think they are pricey and I find the staff’s attitude ranges from indifferent to surly (with the notable exception of the dude who two weeks ago sagely and enthusiastically recommended a Le Roc rosé priced at a reasonable $12).

Tonight, I grabbed a bottle and waited forlornly at the cash register while the HBIC stood out in front of the shop yakking on her phone. Ordinarily, I’d have said something along the lines of, “Hey Miss Thing! How ’bout you get off the horn and pretend you care about separating me from my hard-earned cash?” – but I wasn’t sure if she was actually a member of the staff (though I was pretty sure I recognized her “what the fuck do you want?” demeanor). Anyway, I did manage to get some dude at their bar to ring me up. And on the way out, I verified that Talk-a-rella was wearing the company fleece and had, in fact, been ignoring my custom. And I missed my bus, thanks to the wait…

Once I did get on the bus, after a 12-minute wait, I was only mildly crabby. I’d skipped the gym, I had some wine and my cat was waiting for me at home. Then I saw this:

Seriously, WTF?

OK! First, she sat down in the seats reserved for seniors/handicapped. I don’t actually know whether she qualified. But then! She stood up – which is fine! But proceeded to stand in such a way that she was both blocking anyone else from sitting AND was leaning on the pole, thus ensuring no one else could hold on! The only way this could’ve been worse is if she’d been a serial killer! Or had been wearing a backpack! OR BOTH! It was really all I could do not to jump up and yell, “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” But of course I just seethed silently because I’m a wimp…

I did eventually wind up at home unscathed – and was immediately put into a delightful frame of mind when I recalled how I unintentionally brought the house down amongst my co-workers this afternoon.

As anyone who knows me is well-aware, I am something of a loud-talker. I admit it freely, though I often forget that anytime I open my mouth, everyone within a 50-foot radius can hear every word.

So, I’m at my desk and my cell phone rings. And I answer. And it’s some rep from Sprint, calling to “thank” me for being a customer and to ensure that I’m happy with my service and to sell me more crap. I’ve gotten these calls several times over the last few months – and each time I’ve requested that Sprint refrain from calling me. Just as I did this time…

“Actually, I’ve received several of these calls from Sprint and I’ve asked you not to call. I prefer that you communicate with me via email or postal service, not by telephone.”

The rep’s response was to start in part II of the spiel, “Did you know you’re eligible to add a line to your account, blah, blah, blah…”

To which I simply responded, “Did you not hear what I just said?” in what I considered to be a firm yet courteous (though somewhat booming) tone – and all of my colleagues within shouting distance howled with laughter. I wasn’t attempting to be hilarious – I JUST AM! At that point, it was difficult for me to keep a straight-face (especially considering the peals of laughter were clearly audible over the phone) before I politely said my good-bye and rang off. It’s always good to keep my co-workers entertained!

Why, Annoying Lady on Muni?

Rain this morning, so no biking to work.  Caught the 2-Clement just after I walked out the front door of my place, which was quite convenient… or was it?

The bus itself was pretty mobbed, but I was both surprised and pleased to see that people had in fact moved all the way to the back and made room so more passengers could board.  This is a semi-typical scene during commute hours – we’re all miserable about being crammed into the tiny bus, but let’s do what we can to keep things civil and keep things moving along.

Of course, the glaring exception was the gal who’d gotten on at my stop just before me.  As we approached the next stop, the driver encouraged people to move back, since there were more office drones waiting to be transported to work.  The driver indicated he was forbidden by law from operating the vehicle if passengers were not behind the yellow line.  To which Miss Lady grumbled, “This is what happens when they cut bus service…”  And you know what?  That is totally true!

But do you know what else?  You are a self-centered, annoying twat!  I’d had to push my way past you when we boarded – there was plenty of room further back, but no – you were doing the old statue routine, rooted motionless in your spot.  You had your spot – why should you move, just so more people can board?  I’ve got mine and no one’s taking it away from me!

Oh, and the suitcase-sized purse you’re carrying?  Take it off your shoulder and carry it like a pocketbook! You’re blocking the aisle just the same as if you were wearing an enormous backpack (also, it was an ugly knockoff, so get over yourself).  See, I wear a backpack – but not on the bus!  I take it off and carry it, because I am not a huge asshole (at least when it comes to wearing a backpack on Muni).  I made a point of smashing her bag as vigorously as possible as I shoved on back (as did the three other passengers who’d boarded after her).  And I was quite tempted to politely point out that perhaps she could carry her cheaply-made designer-impostor satchel in her hand to make more room for her fellow passengers –  but knowing that I’d probably wind up screaming, “Get that motherfucking bag off of your goddamn shoulder, you stupid, stupid woman!  What the fuckety-fuck is wrong with you? Also, you should really do something about that hair! It is extremely unflattering!” And since she’s a regular at my stop, that would’ve been totally awkward…  So I just clammed up and retreated to the blessed anonymity of the internet to air my grievances…